(CNN) -- Zara married for love, against her family's
wishes, more than a decade ago in the Middle East. Shortly after the marriage,
she and her husband, along with their two children, moved to Britain for work.
There, she says, her husband began to drink, heavily. He became violent,
holding a knife to her throat, she says.
"He started raping me, which affected me
mentally, lots of stress and the relationship between me and my sons. I
couldn't speak out because I learned that to speak out against your husband to anyone
outside, it is big shame."
"So, I was struggling between eastern culture
with what I learned and western culture where I should live freedom, equality,
justice. I found it difficult."
She still finds it difficult. Zara is not her real
name. She spoke to CNN on condition of anonymity, saying she fears for her
life.
Woman living in fear of
'honor' death
During her marriage, she says, the violence continued.
She showed CNN police reports she eventually filed, but she decided not to
pursue a case, and her husband was never charged. Roughly eight years into the
marriage, she ran away and met another man. She decided to ask for a divorce.
Woman thrown down well sparks
change
"I told him I want a divorce. I don't want to
cheat on you. The relationship is broken. I said, all I want is relationship
with my sons."
She says her husband initially agreed but insisted
they both go back to their home in the Middle East, to explain to their
families.
"He gathered all his family in his house. And I
was shocked to see 60 or 70 people at his house. His mother called me by very
bad names. She called me a prostitute in front of my sons.
"I remember when my mother-in-law looked at my
face and held my sons in her hands, big hands. She told me: 'My son is a
doctor. You should hold your head up. Who are you to cheat on my son? Who are
you?'
"After that, she told me: 'I will look after
them, you don't deserve to be a mother. And my sons were looking at me.'"
(My husband) told my father, if you are a man, clean
your shame. If you are a man, kill your daughter
"Zara"
Then, Zara says, her husband issued a death sentence,
calling her father in the neighboring town, demanding she be killed for
dishonoring her family -- an "honor" murder.
"He told my father, if you are a man, clean your
shame. If you are a man, kill your daughter."
Her sister warned her not to return home, she says.
But she called her father to hear his voice one last time.
"He told me: 'I miss you, I want to see you.' He
didn't tell me what he heard from my husband [about ordering her death].
Because he knows I would run away. I was scared. He said 'come, I want to
protect you.'"
Zara was ready to flee her home in the Middle East.
But she decided to see her father one last time; even though she knew it might
have been a trap. A part of her, she says, almost wished for death.
"I felt rubbish. Just rubbish! I wanted to die. I
wanted to disappear because I didn't want my father, or my brother, or my
cousin to kill me. My son will carry my shame.
"My father told my mother: 'The problem, I know,
she didn't cheat on her husband. The problem is she brought us shame, shame
that cannot even be cleaned by blood. I know she's innocent. But we can't clean
this shame."
Faced with this impossible choice, Zara says her
father realized he had no alternative.
I gave birth to my sons and I am a mother. I will not
give up my right as a mother. I will fight until the end. They will be proud of
me and I will be proud of them
"Zara"
"My father sent me away because he knew that I
would be killed by my uncles or my cousins. There is no other option. He
doesn't want to get rid of me. But he wants to get rid of shame ... that I
brought my family because of my stupidity, to be honest with my husband that I
love another man. That's my crime."
So Zara's father banished her from their home in the
Middle East and sent her back to Britain. Meanwhile, Zara's husband filed for
divorce in the Sharia court of the couple's hometown in the Middle East.
This meant she was separated from her children, she
says, without her knowledge or consent.
Much of Zara's story is hard to verify with her former
husband. CNN has seen court documents and her applications for asylum, but
Zara's case workers with a British women's aid agency say we cannot ask her
husband for a response, for fear it may trigger a violent reaction.
Zara has not returned to the Middle East since leaving
five years ago. When she left, her sister wrote to her imploring her never to
return. "It will be your grave," she wrote.
Prof.: Honor killings exist
around world
Zara has now gained residency in Britain and has
chosen to leave Islam, a decision that has cut her off from her children, who
are now teenagers.
When she last spoke to them, she says they told her
they wanted no more contact with her. "They don't want to hear my voice.
It was very painful to hear that. I felt like I got divorced twice: From a
husband and my sons. I'm not angry with them. I don't know. But I'm tired. I'm
tired of culture and religion. I'm very tired to be a woman. I'm very tired to
be a mother."
She is defiant when asked if she believes she will see
her sons again. "I gave birth to my sons and I am a mother. I will not
give up my right as a mother. I will fight until the end. They will be proud of
me and I will be proud of them. I am sure about this."
Zara says she does not hate her husband or her own
relatives, even though she still fears they may kill her for bringing shame on
the family. She sees them all as victims -- like her -- of a brutal,
unrelenting tradition, one that leading Muslim thinkers insist has no place in
Islam.
